And this is me
Angst: a feeling of deep anxiety or dread.
When I started this blog I wanted it to be entertaining first and foremost. The next thing I wanted was for it to be about food because I just love food in any way, shape or form (although I can’t seem to come to terms with bananas..)
However, there’s been a few things going on that I feel are stopping me from getting any further. Much if it revolves around angst and a bit of fear. Most of you would know that my MIL passed away last September. Since then and very understandably, my husband has been ill at ease with his life and the direction which it was leading in. Not because it was going in a bad way, more of a same, same kind of way. Every day was blending into each other and becoming stifling. Both of us talk about wanting our lives to be fulfilling (which can sound a bit wanky I know) and not just go to work, come home and repeat. I don’t have anything against anyone who enjoys living their lives in a repetitive way but I know it’s not what I want. It’s never been what I’ve wanted. As of this moment my husband has suspended his business and told his employee that there is no ongoing work with him anymore. In order to change something my husband has just stopped and is now waiting to push that reset button. It causes angst by not having that income coming in for an unknown period of time and that thought of what to do next.
I feel angst whenever I think of inviting people over to join in the Wednesday Night Supper Club and I’ll tell you what goes on in my head, I’ll lay it out bare. First and foremost is what if they don’t like what I cook? What if it’s not cooked right? My house won’t be clean enough, the dog will be annoying, the people who I invite don’t want to come – the loop plays over and over. I remember a conversation between friends a long time ago where one of the women said that she would never serve lasagne because it was too common a dish, she would always try to serve something spectacular. (Personally I would love to be served lasagne because it’s very rare that I make it). With the different diets these days e.g. Gluten Free, Vegan, Egg free etc it’s hard to serve something that you know is going to be a hit without someone saying “Oh I don’t eat x, y or z”. So I am caught in wanting to move on with writing about people and food and being fearful of actually doing it and it not being perfect like I want it to be. I find cooking for others terrifying in that I desperately want people to like what I’ve made.
There is another reason for angst in my world: a family member has been diagnosed with cancer. In the same week one of my very favourite customers has also been told cancer is in her body. Cancer is a very scary word as my husband’s brother, father and mother all died from it. We are hopeful that these latest setbacks are not the unconquerable kind. This is why we are so focussed on living our best lives because what if we don’t have the old age that we thought we had, what if it all goes to shit in a couple of years because of genetics? We have cancer in the Boyd family and a strong genetic disposition to diabetes in the Ricketts family. I want to see my grandchildren and I would love to experience a child free home ( I love them dearly but I’m so over all the shopping, cooking, washing and ironing). I want to go back to India and relive my experiences there with my husband so he understands what it was like.
So that’s where I’m currently at. I’m in a state of flux (without the capacitor) and I don’t know what’s in sight just at the moment. It’s not all doom and gloom – I know that it’s just a matter of time before something amazing will happen and all will be right with the world again.