And this is me * Wednesday Night Supper Club Blog
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And this is me

Angst: a feeling of deep anxiety or dread.

 

When I started this blog I wanted it to be entertaining first and foremost. The next thing I wanted was for it to be about food because I just love food in any way, shape or form (although I can’t seem to come to terms with bananas..)

However, there’s been a few things going on that I feel are stopping me from getting any further. Much if it revolves around angst and a bit of fear. Most of you would know that my MIL passed away last September. Since then and very understandably, my husband has been ill at ease with his life and the direction which it was leading in. Not because it was going in a bad way, more of a same, same kind of way. Every day was blending into each other and becoming stifling.  Both of us talk about wanting our lives to be fulfilling (which can sound a bit wanky I know) and not just go to work, come home and repeat.  I don’t have anything against anyone who enjoys living their lives in a repetitive way but I know it’s not what I want. It’s never been what I’ve wanted. As of this moment my husband has suspended his business and told his employee that there is no ongoing work with him anymore. In order to change something my husband has just stopped and is now waiting to push that reset button. It causes angst by not having that income coming in for an unknown period of time and that thought of what to do next.

I feel angst whenever I think of inviting people over to join in the Wednesday Night Supper Club and I’ll tell you what goes on in my head, I’ll lay it out bare. First and foremost is what if they don’t like what I cook? What if it’s not cooked right? My house won’t be clean enough, the dog will be annoying, the people who I invite don’t want to come – the loop plays over and over. I remember a conversation between friends a long time ago where one of the women said that she would never serve lasagne because it was too common a dish, she would always try to serve something spectacular. (Personally I would love to be served lasagne because it’s very rare that I make it). With the different diets these days e.g. Gluten Free, Vegan, Egg free etc it’s hard to serve something that you know is going to be a hit without someone saying “Oh I don’t eat x, y or z”. So I am caught in wanting to move on with writing about people and food and being fearful of actually doing it and it not being perfect like I want it to be. I find cooking for others terrifying in that I desperately want people to like what I’ve made.

There is another reason for angst in my world: a family member has been diagnosed with cancer.  In the same week one of my very favourite customers has also been told cancer is in her body. Cancer is a very scary word as my husband’s brother, father and mother all died from it. We are hopeful that these latest setbacks are not the unconquerable kind. This is why we are so focussed on living our best lives because what if we don’t have the old age that we thought we had, what if it all goes to shit in a couple of years because of genetics? We have cancer in the Boyd family and a strong genetic disposition to diabetes in the Ricketts family. I want to see my grandchildren and I would love to experience a child free home ( I love them dearly but I’m so over all the shopping, cooking, washing and ironing). I want to go back to India and relive my experiences there with my husband so he understands what it was like.

So that’s where I’m currently at. I’m in a state of flux (without the capacitor) and I don’t know what’s in sight just at the moment. It’s not all doom and gloom – I know that it’s just a matter of time before something amazing will happen and all will be right with the world again.

 

 

14 Comments
  • Jacqui

    February 12, 2017 at 07:22 Reply

    I love everything you cook, and I’ll cook you lasagne anytime you want. I couldn’t give a rats if your house is clean or not (mine generally isn’t ). Just enjoy your company! 😘

  • Michelle Boyd

    February 12, 2017 at 07:35 Reply

    Thanks for the vote of confidence Jacqui xx

  • Annette

    February 12, 2017 at 07:49 Reply

    All the more reason to just start!! The only way not to go THROUGH the angst of being a beginner is to never do anything. I know you don’t want that Mossy. I know it.
    A moving ship is much easier to steer than a docked one.
    It won’t come to you in a dream my friend, you’ve already got the bare bones in place, so just start.
    Change the how if you want to. Write about cooking from the heart, write about recipes you make to comfort, to show your love for others and for goodness sake, fuck housework and worrying about that crap.
    Write about LIFE and food memories, just write, practice makes imperfect.
    You and your man have actually done the hardest part, well maybe equally hardest to the next step, you’ve woken up and taken stock of life. Now you need to act, imperfectly. With knots in your guts. Hold hands and take a step out into new things.

    You CAN do this Mossy. I know you can. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 12, 2017 at 10:05 Reply

      You’re such a great cheerleader Annette. Yes I just need to start!

  • Ian

    February 12, 2017 at 07:52 Reply

    We certainly have some differences in our concerns about how people feel about the state of the house, (in that I don’t care too much) but there are also a heap of hurdles we will have to jump together as always. We are sure to eat some great meals along the way if nothing else so the house just has to keep standing as I work on it.

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 12, 2017 at 10:07 Reply

      I’m tired of jumping hurdles, I would like to lay on the bed and have someone feed me grapes 🙂

  • Marilyn Scholz

    February 12, 2017 at 08:40 Reply

    Hi Michelle, how do we give you the confidence to just start? I couldn’t care less about your house keeping skills, I just want to eat your lasagne!
    Your hereditory health issues are a concern, but you really can’t live that way! As long as you’re giving yourselves the best chance to be healthy, you are doing all you can, get on out there and live baby!!
    Dig out your confidence, use it, and enjoy! ❤

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 12, 2017 at 10:08 Reply

      All of what you said is true Maz, just feels like I’m waist deep in quicksand and can’t move.

  • Deb

    February 12, 2017 at 09:10 Reply

    Geez Michelle. I just want to give u a big hug after that (just what I’ll do tomorrow) u are both very strong, loving and loved peeps… The sun will continue to shine on you both and as u are already aware from yr new business… both yr destinies will define themselves when u are ready 💖

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 12, 2017 at 10:09 Reply

      Aww Deb thank you for saying that – life does go on and hopefully all will become clearer soon

  • Wendy

    February 12, 2017 at 11:59 Reply

    Love and big hugs my dear coffee making friend. I would love to come and eat your lasagne, but makes it a bit difficult when I am one of “THOSE” people who doesn’t eat x, y and possibly z. But I would definitely not give a toss about your house-keeping skills as I suffer from much the same fears regarding having people over and I would absolutely bring cake! Life has a habit of throwing curve balls when we least expect it. We can either stand in one spot and let them hit and hurt us or duck and weave, move out of the way and throw them back – hard! xxxx

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 12, 2017 at 22:59 Reply

      Thanks Wendy. Love the comment about the curveballs!

  • Gayel

    February 13, 2017 at 01:31 Reply

    Oh I know this ride well. In fact I bet we all do. Have faith in your abilities and what you bring to the table (literally and hypothetically). Change can be so overwhelming at times that doubt loves to creep in. You’ve got this one lady …keep blogging and sharing it normalises this funny old facade called the internet 🙂

    • Michelle Boyd

      February 13, 2017 at 06:47 Reply

      I’d like to get off this ride, I seem to be on it quite frequently. I’m all for change but I don’t know what to change to. You hit the nail on the head when you called the internet a facade – gives a false sense of togetherness when really most people are only in it for self promotion.

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